Long Week!!!

It has been a really long week.  This was my first week not working and I was admitted into Arkansas Heart Hospital on Monday and had a heart cath done on Tuesday.  I was having severe chest pain and passed out 3 times Monday night so we went to the ER.  I was kept overnight and my cardiologist wanted to do a heart cath just to make sure I didn't have any blockage or anything wrong with my arteries.  Everything looked fine so now we are just going to concentrate on my SVT and coronary spasm issues.  


I have come to realize that there are a bunch of things that are not worth my energy to worry about or even acknowledge.  I worry way too much and my mind runs crazy sometimes.  God has been humbling me through this whole experience.  I would never ask for help from anyone before because I thought of myself as "strong".  I could do it all.  That is just vanity talking and pride.  "Pride goeth before a fall".  I really should memorize that verse.  Pride is a sin and now that I cannot drive anymore I have had to ask lots of people if they can drive me places.  It is so hard to let that part of me go.  I know that God has a plan for my life and I have not been listening.  


I have taped a couple of verses to my mirror in my bathroom so I will read them every time I look in the mirror.  These verses will remind me that God is in control, not me.  He is running the show and it's about time I sit back and enjoy the ride.

Last day at work

Today was my last day at work and man was I emotional.  I really love my job and all the people I work with.  I have been blessed to have a place of employment where we are like family and were able to pray with one another when times called for it.  You just don't find that very often anymore.  Religion is "taboo" in the work place and at schools.  That is a tragedy if you ask me but that is an argument for another day.

Everyone threw me a party and it was great. Cake, presents, punch, cards, and a money tree.  That was the biggest blessing because now I can put that money toward my savings to go to Dallas and see Dr. Suleman.  He is a cardiologist that specialized in dysautonomia.  I am hoping to be able to go at the end of June and see if he can help me.  I have a friend that has went to him and her quality of life is much better.  Don't get me wrong, she still has bad days and bad weeks but over all it has helped.  The worse part of this disorder is there is no cure for it and all you can do is treat the symptoms as they come.  I pray that my visit to him will help me as much as it did her.

To all my co-workers at Crye-Leike Realtors Benton:  I love you and I will miss you so much!!!  It has been my pleasure to be your Office Administrator.  Thank you for all that you have done for me.

Strength for the journey

They say that life is a journey.  Journey's always have smooth roads, rocky roads, steep and winding roads, and you will always fall along the way.  What matters most about our journey's, I believe, is how we handle the rough, rocky roads and how long we stay down when we fall.  We can choose to pick ourselves up, brush off the dirt, and bandage any wounds that we received due to that fall OR we can just lie there and give up.  Giving up is not an option to me.  I will admit that I have been known to lie there for far too long and when the devil whispered in my ear "just stay down, God will not pick you up, he is the one that has allowed this to happen to you" I really wanted to listen to him.  That is the easy way out, to listen to the evil of the world.  God never promised Christians an easy road.  In fact he tells us in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

God put us on Earth to live for him and only him.  We are to follow his word and listen to him AND to live a life that is "Christlike".  That is so very hard to do.  We have a sinful flesh and we always want to control our own problems.  When we do that our problems just get out of hand and we end up falling FLAT on our face. 

My journey is now on a rocky road and I have fallen flat on my face.  It is time to pick myself up and let God carry me.  The verse below is what I read this morning.  It is so very true and it gives us a bright light in the midst of our horrible storm.  I also have put on of my favorite poems at the bottom, it is called "Footprints"  I actually have a big picture of this hanging on my will in my living room with a background picture of Jesus ascending into the clouds.  I hope you enjoy it and it gives you encouragement and strength.

Isaiah 40:31 NIV
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

Footprints

One night I had a dream-- I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." ...Mary Stevenson

Fears.....

I have always been a really busy person. Always working hard and long hours and "sucking it up" and working through anything. One of my biggest fears is not being able to do things myself. I guess you could call me a "control freak". I love to work and I take pride in all that I do. I love my job and my family but most of all I love being a mother & a wife. What will happen now? Imagine for a moment that all the little things you take for granted were ripped out from under you. What would you do? Little things like standing at the stove and cooking, standing to fold the laundry, or even standing in the shower.......what if you couldn't do those things without feeling dizzy and your heart beating so fast it feels like it will bust out of your chest at any minute, and most times you pass out. That is my day to day life now. I can't even work a full day anymore. I am trying my hardest to make it until the end of May so I can train 2 people to take over for me but it is a daily struggle just to get out of bed.

Okay, enough of the self pity. Life is what you make of it. You get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other and make it count. That's what my focus is now, making it count. Even if all I can do in one day are 2 loads of laundry and a load of dishes then at least I got that finished. God has something in store for me and I believe I am to learn a valuable lesson from all of this. Day by day is all we can do.....

My Secret

Most of my friends do not know that I was diagnosed 4 years ago with a disorder called Neurocardiogenic Syncope (NCS). I also have super-ventricular tachycardia, coronary spasms, and Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS). I have lived with IBS since I was 21 but since January of this year it has really became unmanageable. I don't talk about my NCS with very many people because it is too complicated to explain and you get the looks of "What in the world is that". Even doctors will ask "can you spell that for me so I can look it up?" It is very frustrating to live with something that not a lot of people have heard of so I have chose to just keep it a secret.

Now I have to let the secret out because it has taken over my life and has made it almost impossible to live a normal life. In the past few weeks I have went from being able to function normally to passing out at least once a day and now I cannot drive for fear of endangering lives. I am also having to quit work because I can't even function at home let alone in a work environment. My independence has been pulled out from under me like a rug.

A little incite into this horrible disorder: my blood pressure goes from high to bottoming out in a matter of minutes and I end up passing out. This happens for no apparent reason or without any warning. My heart rate goes from 110 - 165 a split second and I feel like my heart is going to stop then I start having chest pains. I have added a link to this page: http://www.dinet.org so anyone can read more about this disorder.

This blog is not meant to make people feel sorry for me but to educate people on this disorder. It will also help me to deal with my own feelings about having to quit work and having my independence restricted. I am a Christian and I am trying very hard to trust God and to let him take this from me. I am also human and it is a daily struggle to do that. I have taken up reading my Bible every morning before my feet even hit the floor so that I can begin my day without any self pity and with a renewed strength that this is really happening and God knows what he is doing. He will always be there for me I only have but to ask.

My next question is, What does he have in store for me? What is it that he has planned for me? I know he has a purpose for me and it is obviously not the one I had for myself. I am going to remind myself daily and pray often for that purpose to be revealed to me and for me to keep my mouth shut and my ears open so I can hear when he calls to me.