I haven't written in a couple of months because I have been so full of so many emotions that I don't know how to get them out in writing. So much has happened since January and it has been a really LONG roller coaster ride. When you have so many ups and downs you get dizzy and sick at your stomach and you don't know which way is up and which way is down. The emotions going through my heart and my head have been joy, sorrow, anger, forgiveness, anxiety, non-belief......there are too many to name. I will tell you this, and it is hard to admit, I have had anger at God be the dominate emotion. What kind of Christian am I that I would be angry at the one person who has control over ALL things and who loves me UNCONDITIONALLY? I will tell you what kind of Christian I am.......a human Christian who sins and falls short of the glory of God.
When things seem unbearable and I feel trapped my first reaction is to hunker down and take over. I want to provide the outcome and I want to stage the ending act. Even though I know in my heart all I am going to do is make it worse. "Just give in, let go and let God" is what goes through my mind but the enemy whispers in my ear "God doesn't care what happens to you, he does not love you and he sure isn't going to take care of you and your loved ones." I have to block him out because Satan has a really good view of my life right now. All the things that are attacking me and my family are making us weak and the enemy has better access to our hearts with every thing that keeps coming down on us and threatening our health and happiness.
There is a reason why we can't write the ending of our lives. To be honest, I don't think I even want to begin tackling that job. I think I am in a mess right now, I don't even want to imagine what it would be like if I wrote the ending of my story. God wants us to call out to him for help. He wants us to let go TOTALLY and run to him and stay under the shelter of his wings. Matthew 23:37 Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem.....How often I wanted to gather your children together, the way a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were unwilling. Am I willing? Are you willing?
I have been studying Psalm 91 and this chapter is all about God's umbrella of protection, how he wants US to run to him and stay under his protection, to let go of all the emotions and let Him write the outcome. We might not like the outcome but we can only see so far ahead and we don't know how things would turn out if we always got what we wanted. I truly believe God doesn't just dump bad stuff on us and then steps back and laughs while saying to himself, "Let's see how long he can handle that one without totally shutting down." He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Even when we are at our darkest moment he is there.
I encourage you to read Psalm 91 and study each verse. One day, one verse. Pray that God will open your mind and help you understand what each verse means. God does not run here and there, trying to cover us. He said, "I have made protection possible. You run to Me!" And when we do run to Him in FAITH, the enemy will have to go through God to get to us.
He will shelter you with his wings, His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Psalm 91:4 (NLT)
