So Many Bad Seasons

This bad season in my life has lasted so much longer than I wanted it to.  The sickness overtakes my body, mind, and spirit.  It is always present even in sleep.  I wake up often in the night in pain, with my heart racing, or just to run to the bathroom.  There is never a break from it.  I am reminded of my limitation every time I try to do the simplest things.  There is no end in sight.

I have another diagnosis to add to the long list of chronic illness's.  It's called lymphocytic colitis.  Wikipedia says it is a rare condition characterized by chronic non-bloody diarrhea.  The colonoscopy is normal but the mucosal biopsy reveals an accumulation of lymphocytes in the colonic epithelium and connective tissue.  The cause of this condition is not known and the outlook is unclear in persons with this condition. I call it a walking hell.  Sigh........if it is "rare" then it looks like I am going to have it.  My doctor thinks it is linked with the EDS (hence the connective tissue problems).  She also says that all we can do is treat the symptoms as they present themselves.  Hmmm, that must mean that I will always have to wear adult diapers when I leave my home due to the CONSTANT potty trot's that I have.  (that was probably way too much information for you all but I'm on a roll)  I can't express just how tired I am of being sick.

I pray so hard for God to heal me.  I know he can if he wants to.  This bad season in my life will end eventually, right?  I have hope that it will end but deep in my heart I don't think it will.  I just have to keep praying and reading my Bible and leaning on God's shoulders.  He will take care of me and he is the only one who can carry me through this very long season of sickness.

Hebrews 10:23
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Why so many questions???

There are countless examples in the Bible where someone would ask God a question when they were in a dark season of their lives and he would answer them with a question of his own, why would he do this?  Was he just trying to add insult to injury when it was already so painfully obvious that these people were pouring their hurting heart out to him and was already confused?  It irritates me so much when I ask someone for help and instead of giving me the answer they make me think about it harder by asking a question.  So, why so many questions???


When we are in a dark season in our lives we tend to ask questions of God so we can understand why a "loving" God would allow us to suffer when he can change the outcome.  It is so tempting to ask him "Why" and to second guess your Faith in God when storms are brewing in your life.  Just like we do with our children when they are upset or during a meltdown we stay calm and ask them a question so they will calm down and think for a moment.  When we are upset and scared things tend to get jumbled up and we don't always make the most logical decision.  God does this with all of his children.  Would you really believe him if you asked him "Why" and he just gave you the answer?  No, I don't believe you would.  You see, our sinful human nature tempts us to think something like this, "Ya, I hear you God BUT I really think that I can fix it myself and I think my solution is much better than yours".  Sound kinda familiar?


When God asks questions we have to stop and think about it and then we have an "ah ha" moment and we just get it.  We also are forced to really turn it over to him and get all our fingers off of it.  No taking a little back because we think we have to always keep a little bit of control over every situation in our lives.  I believe in God.  I believe in Faith but boy is it hard to rely on the "unseen" and just go on Faith. 


My prayer every night is that I will have the courage to REALLY keep my hands off the things I turn over to God.  It is His will that will be done in my life no matter how much energy I waste trying to make things go the way I think they should.  In the end it will go His way anyway so why spend all my time worrying and fretting over it.  Wow, that sound so good! I can take it all off my shoulders and put it on His.  I don't know about you but I need all the help I can get.  I absolutely cannot make it on this earth without him.


"Take my yoke upon you.  Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for our souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light."  Matthew 11:29-30

My Refuge

I don't know about you but I need a refuge from time to time.  Somewhere to go where no one can bother me and I can just be quiet and listen to everything that is around me.  I like to sit on the back porch early in the morning with a cup of coffee and breath in the morning air and just quiet my mind.  We have very limited funds so I couldn't afford a "getaway" for just me but if I could I would love to go somewhere by myself and take some good books and my Bible and have a couple of day to just be quiet.


Our days are filled with so much activity, meetings, chores, helping the kids with homework, running errands....there are so many things we have to get done in 24 hours.  Never is their time to take refuge in something that quenches our soul.  At the end of the day we are so tired that we forget why we are even on this earth.  Time is something we can never get back once we have spent it.  Time is precious and we should never take it for granted but we always do.  One day we are holding our children in our arms for the first time and just like that we are watching them take part in their High School Graduation ceremony and getting ready to go off to college.


What would happen if we spent just 20 minutes everyday taking refuge in God and quieting our souls so we can really breath in all the wonderful things he has placed in our lives?  Maybe, just maybe, we would be able to look around at our lives and savor the precious moments that are so quick to happen.


Psalm 46:1-3 (NLT)
"God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.  So we will not fear, even if earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.  Let the oceans roar and foam.  Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge"

Dancing In The Rain

As I waited all day for the rain to come (what do weathermen know?) I remembered a verse that I have always turned to when things seem too hard to bear, John 14:1, and as I breathed in the misty air out back on my porch I thanked God for giving me rain.  Rain gives life to all things.  How beautiful is that?  Life........how blessed we are to have the rain so plants can grow and trees can thrive.  During the Spring we usually get sick of all the rain.  Everywhere you go people comment on when the rain is going to stop.  We pray for those who live in areas where flooding happens easily and wonder, when is God going to stop the rain.  Then during summer when it is so hot and humid and we have very little rain we pray for storms to come so we can get a break from the heat.

I prayed a prayer of thanks this morning while waiting for the rain.  I am thankful for the seasons in my life when it seems like spring, storms everyday, constant gray skies & wondering when will God let it end.  If it wasn't for the rain in my life I would never get a season of new life.  The rain draws me closer to God because without him I have nothing to lean on.  No hope of any comfort or blue skies ahead.  You see, I need him more in times of trouble and I praise him even more during the dark storms of my life.


No one likes to have bad seasons in life but they will always come.  One thing is certain though, God promises us we will never be alone and that he will always be there to hold us up when our legs have been knocked out from under us.  Take comfort in that and praise God in all seasons of your life, especially the stormy ones.


John 14:1  "Don't let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God, and trust also in me"

What Faith Can Do

I have been waiting to get an appointment with a genetic doctor in Texas that works closely with my cardiologist there.  Dr Suleman (my cardio doc) has been thinking that I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and that is what is causing my Pots and stomach issues. Trying to see a specialist usually takes jumping through hoops but not this time. The geneticist worked with me to be able to get in sooner rather than later. Well my friends I am happy to report that she was a VERY sweet lady and she was very empathetic. Now for the not so good news:

I defiantly have a connective tissue disorder but which one? The visit was very in depth. We went through all of my medical history, family medical history, and looked at pictures of my family. She has ruled out all but two connective tissue disorder, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome OR Marfans Syndrome. First thing out of her mouth was, "your children have to see a genetic doctor as soon as possible."  That is something NO mother wants to hear.  My heart just sank and I felt like it was actually breaking in half.  "Oh God, please help me handle this!!!" was all I could hear in my head.  The room starts spinning and everything coming out of her mouth was muffled.  I thought I was going to throw up.  Words were flying out of her like, organ rupture, aortic dissection, no physical contact activities for my boys, retinal detachment, sudden death, life full of constant pain in your joints, passing it down to your children.  Guilt, pain, sorrow, fear, suffocation....this is how I was feeling.  I GAVE THIS TO MY CHILDREN and they will give it to theirs. I will see my first grandchild in March.  Will my oldest son know the guilty feeling of giving his child a life full of pain and fear? 

Something happened at the very moment she stopped talking, I heard a faint whisper "Faith my child".  I know that sounds crazy but it really happened. Maybe I am mental now, and that's okay if I am, but I believe God put his arms around me and said, "Faith my child".  I felt immediate peace.  I knew that whatever happened next, I was being carried at that moment by my Heavenly Father. It's a good thing too because I am tired. I am more tired than I have ever been in my whole 38 years.  My soul aches for peace and my body aches for healing.  

Faith is the only option for me now.  The hope of it being "nothing" is gone. The battle will begin in my children's lives now and God will be there with us EVERY step of the way.  I might not like what I am going through but I know that God is with me and he hurts because I am hurting.  I am forever changed, inside and out.  

On the way home from Texas that night a song came on by Kutless called What Faith Can Do. The lyrics of this song spoke to my heart. I have the video of the song in this post so you can listen to it.  It is a song full of hope and promise that our God is wonderful and he can do all things.  Through faith we will be carried by the strong arms of our Lord and Savior!! Thank you God for giving us the choice to lean on you and be loved by you.

Psalm 59:16

"I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble."

Hospital Again

My wonderful husband took this horrible picture of me while I was waiting for yet another test to be done on me.  I was in the hospital for possible colitis so I had 2 days of antibiotics, fluids, and tests as well as pain control.  My husband loves me so much but he thought it would be funny to take pictures while I was waiting for Anesthesia doctor to come and put me to sleep. (even though I looked like death warmed over) 

When you have a chronic illness you take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.  This gets so very frustrating and you can loose your mind if chose to concentrate on the future instead of living day by day.  I choose to live day by day because if I don't I will get lost in the depression and pain.

The reality is that you will not get much better.  Think about that for just one minute.  If there were a time when you were sick or had to have a surgery done and you were off work for a week or two while you recuperated think of that time.  You had hope that you were going to get well and get back to your normal life so you really didn't get too upset over having your life altered.  Well for me (and everyone with chronic illness) the hope of being able to return to the "normal" way of life is not there.  Kinda depressing isn't it?!  

Here is my fix for the above:

I have found a way to live in a "spiritual" everyday existence.  One where I spend most of my time with God.  I pray, read my Bible, study books to help me draw closer to God, and counting all the things I am thankful for.  Living this way has helped me so much.  I choose Faith over sorrow.  

Psalm 63:7

"Because you are my helper, I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings."

30 THINGS ABOUT MY INVISIBLE ILLNESS YOU MAY NOT KNOW:

http://invisibleillnessweek.com/

1. The illness I live with is: POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome); IBS; Ehlers Danlos Syndrome Type 3
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:  2011 
3. But I had symptoms since:  2007
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is:  having my independence taken away
5. Most people assume:  that I will get better
6. The hardest part about mornings are:  getting out of bed without passing out
7. My favorite medical TV show is:  Grey's Anatomy
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:  computer
9. The hardest part about nights are:  not being able to sleep because of the pain & the irregular heart beat
10. Each day I take 9 pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:  will try anything
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:  visible
13. Regarding working and career:  I miss it very much.
14. People would be surprised to know:  how much pain I am actually in
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: having to depend on other people for things & to get me to doctors appointments
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:  drive again
17. The commercials about my illness:  have never seen any
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:  going canoeing and camping
19. It was really hard to have to give up:  my freedom
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:  blogging
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:  go canoeing and camping
22. My illness has taught me:  faith
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:  "It will get better"
24. But I love it when people:  just hug me and tell me they are thinking about me
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:  Psalm 40:2 "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:  be as strong as you can and that it's okay to cry and be angry from time to time
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:  how strong I am
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:  come over and talk with me and be a true friend even though I looked and felt like a truck ran over me
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:  raising awareness for Invisible Illness is crucial, so many people are hurting
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:  like you really care and want to learn about what is wrong with me

Does it really matter?

Way too often we hear this saying "Sh**t happens and then you die".  You might have even saw this on a bumper sticker on a car.  What do you think when you see or hear this saying?  Do you think "Yep, that's correct!" Then you think of all the things that have happened in your day to make it really suck.  I do it also.  Running around in our daily lives thinking about all the things we have on our "To Do" list and how little time we have to get it done.  Then we go home, go to bed, and it begins all over the next morning.  How sad and mundane is this way of living?

Just thinking about how I used to live day to day on a tight schedule wears me out.  I used to manage an office with 25 agents and 1 employee.  It was my responsibility to make sure everyone was taken care of and all things in the office were correct and maintained.  I LOVED my job.  You see, I have an A type personality and I love to keep things organized.  It didn't matter to me if I had to stay 1 or 2 hours past quitting time to make sure things were done.  I never gave much thought to what the family was doing at home while I was working late.  How they were waiting patiently for me to come home and cook dinner, make sure homework was done, clean the kitchen, and wash a couple of loads of laundry.  I was doing my job, making money for the family, working at my best for my company.  Guess what?  I was way off as to what is most important in my life.  I became ill with not 1 but 3 chronic illnesses and my body shut down on me.  I didn't listen to the little subtle hints of "Crystal, you have to slow down". "Crystal, God and family are more important". Maybe if I would have listened to those things I wouldn't be in the shape I am in now.  

Way too often we all live at such a fast pace that we can't hear the little voices warn us that things are going amiss.  I am not just talking about our health but about all things.  We have too little time on this earth to just buzz around like bees and not pay attention to all the beautiful things that God has created for us.  What I wouldn't give to go back in time and be able to smell my boy's hair when they were newborn, to count their 10 fingers and 10 toes or to watch them while they slept in my arms after I had fed them.  God blessed me with 2 healthy, beautiful babies and a wonderful husband and more often than not I have taken them for granted.  Don't we all?

God has given us so much joy in our lives.  Who cares about the 30 minutes of traffic that you have to sit in just to get to work?  Why do we get irritated at the driver that cuts us off on the freeway?  How much energy does it take from our emotions to silently bash a co-worker who didn't do things exactly like we wanted them to do?  Does it really matter?

Colossians 2:7 (NLT) 

"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught.  Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done."

Philippians 4:4-5 (NLT)

"Always be full of joy in the Lord.  I say it again - rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do.  Remember, the Lord is coming soon".

I praise God for all he has given us on this earth.  All things, even the trials.  Without hardships & trials in our lives we cannot grow in our faith.  How can we truly see God for all the wonderful things he is if we do not look to him during trying times?  Life is not always fair but I believe that everything that happens in our lives is for a purpose.  Embrace ALL things that God puts in your path.  He never gives us more than we can handle and he wants us to lean on him.

The next time you are feeling impatient in traffic, irritated at a co-worker, tired of telling your children to "pick up after themselves", stop and take a breath and remember, "God gave me all things and I am thankful for them".  Life is beautiful!!!  All too soon it will be over and we will be wishing for "just one more chance to get it right".  

Why.......

I was able to go to Dallas to the Heartbeat Clinic 1 week ago to see a cardiologist that specializes in Pots (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome).  He is a wonderful doctor and all of his staff was very kind.  It was so great to be in a doctors office where you know that you will be understood and not looked at like your crazy.  I was able to get answers as to why I have Pots and that was such a relief.  I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome & I am going to go to a genetic specialist to get some tests ran to find out what type I have.  This is very important because it is genetic and my kids & siblings have a 50/50 chance of having it also.  I am prepared for my illness but not for my kids to have to go through what I am going through.  


Here are a coupke of links that you can go to if you want more information on these disorders. www.dinet.org www.ednf.org 
There needs to be more awareness raised for Pots & EDS.  They are both chronic illnesses & can be very dabilitating.       

Texas

I am in McKinney Texas tonight staying in a hotel so I can see a new Cardiologist that specializes in dysautonomia.  His name is Dr Suleman and he has a clinic that's called The Heartbeat Clinic.  (I thought that was a good name) I have been in constant contact with 2 women that live in Arkansas that have the same illness as me and he has been able to really help them so I am very hopeful. It will be so awesome to be able to sit with a doctor who knows what is wrong with me and that doesn't look at me like I am nuts.  I am very excited but nervous.  I will be going through lots of test tomorrow in Dallas and then Thursday at his clinic in McKinney and will get all the results on Friday.  


I am very thankful that I am getting the opportunity to come and see him.  It is just very sad that such sick people have to travel to a different state to get the help they need.  We need so much more awareness for this disorder and doctors really need to "catch up" on it so they can help there patients.  


I will post more as I get news but for now I miss my family but I am loving the quiet!!!!!  

Tummy Friendly Bread

Here is a delicious bread recipe that is more of a cake.  It is easy on the tummy and smells great cooking!!

Pumpkin Apple Spice Bread
Makes two 9X5 loves
Preheat oven to 350

Topping:
1 tbs all-purpose unbleached white flour
5 tbs brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tbs canola oil
Combine all ingredients in a small bowl & set aside

Sift into a large bowl:
3 cups all purpose unbleached white flour
3/4 tsp salt
2 tsp baking soda
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp cloves
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 tsp ginger
Whisk dry ingredients with a wire whisk or fork until thoroughly blended.

In a large bowl beat well with an electric mixer:
16 oz. can pumpkin
3/4 cup canola oil
2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
8 organic egg whites

Fold into wet ingredients:
2 large Granny Smith apples, peeled & chopped (about 2 cups)

With a wooden spoon, add the dry ingredients to the wet, stirring the batter by hand until well blended.  Pour batter into 2 non-stick loaf pans sprayed with cooking oil.  Sprinkle on topping.  Bake for about 50 minutes or until a toothpick or cake tester inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean.  Cool on racks.

I got this out of a book written by Heather Van Vorous.  The book is called "Eating for IBS".  It has lots of yummy recipes and they don't hurt your tummy!!  Her website is www.helpforibs.com so check it out if you have tummy issues.

Some answers

My new GI doctor had some answers for me Monday.  I have an overgrowth of bacteria in my small intestines so I am on a very powerful antibiotic.  Hopefully that will help some.  That just sounds yucky, just call me the "bacteria" girl. :-) She is very happy that I am going to the cardiologist in Texas who specializes in all forms of Dysautonomia and she is going to coordinate with him on how to care for me.  She says that I have severe IBS and that I will have to live with all the symptoms for the rest of my life but that we can keep my symptoms from going crazy like they have been all year.  I am thankful that I don't have cancer or anything like that.  God is good and I am so thankful for his protection and for seeing me through this rough patch in my life.


I am looking forward to the day that I can drive again and be able to do the things I love to do.  That will be soon I hope.

Praying for patience........

Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.


I open the Bible to read and this is the verse I see in front of me.  It's funny how that happens.  You pray for an open mind and for God to speak to you and he always does.  He knows our mind and our soul.  It is so hard to be patient and to wait for him.  This is such a weakness of mine.  I need to pray for patience, and really mean it.


What does that mean, patience?  Think about it hard.  We need patience in raising our children and patience in dealing with our co-workers.  Patience in our personal life is so hard.  We know that we cannot control anything that happens but we don't want to accept it.  All things happen in God's time not ours.  When we are sick, hurting, and so down we don't see any way up that's when it takes courage to be patient and wait on the Lord.  He promises us healing and comfort if we have patients and we lean on him for all of our needs.  My prayer tonight is for all of this.  Patience to wait on him to allow healing in my body and the courage to turn it all over to him.

Two weeks of blah...........

****WARNING****** this post is not a "chin up" kind of post

Two weeks of blah.......................well that means that I have basically been so sick that I haven't been out the house.  I can't even walk from my bedroom to my living room without muttering under my breath "If I pass out at least it will be on the carpet this time and not the tile floor in the kitchen".  Getting up to go pee is a feat that I don't even want to tackle and I hold it until my bladder tells me "either get up and go or lay in the warm wetness cause that's what you are fixing to get".  Then I just pray (as I am sitting on the toilet) that I won't pass out because I know how traumatic it would be for one of my 2 teenage boys to find me face down on the tile with my rear end shining.  I have to wait until Cory comes home to take a shower cause they have nicely asked me not to do it while they are hear watching me.  :-)

Cory told me the other day that people at his work keep asking him how I am feeling and that he finally told them (he got tired of them asking all the time) "she won't get any better, what she has there is no cure for" and that was a melting down point for me.  I think I cried (and screamed some) for about 2 hours.  Your friends and family want to help and call often to check on you but you get tired of always having to tell them the bad news of "I feel worse today than I did yesterday" so you start lying.  Or I have started saying "do you want the truth or the sugar coated effect?"  I am sure that everyone gets tired of hearing the sad everyday answer of "No I don't feel any better today" and "Thanks for asking but I can't go anywhere with you because I pass out just from walking down the hall so I don't think I need to go to Wal-Mart".

I just want to feel half way normal for 1 day.  I hate shopping but I would LOVE to just be able to go shopping for 1 hour now.  I have a new respect for all the people that I know who have a chronic illness.  I used to just hug them and say "I hope you feel better soon" and pat myself on the back for a job well done but now I know just how that made the person feel.  You feel like someone kicked you in the gut while you were lying on the ground down for the count.

My husband and kids are wonderful at knowing just how to deal with all of this.  They never complain when I ask them to do things for me because I can't bend over anymore for fear of passing out.  Cory stands in the bathroom with me while I take a "cold" shower. (hot showers make me pass out) They leave me be for the most part and when I start doing something they know will ultimately cause me to fall out they just stand there beside me and watch me so they can catch me when I do go down.  They know that I feel this overwhelming need to be useful so they don't argue with me anymore they just catch me when my body says "enough".  They bring me cold rags and ask if they need to sit with me while I am lying down and they even know me so well that they know when to just let me cry and they just listen and don't say a word.  What is this doing to them?  I pray that they are strong and can handle this also.

Long Week!!!

It has been a really long week.  This was my first week not working and I was admitted into Arkansas Heart Hospital on Monday and had a heart cath done on Tuesday.  I was having severe chest pain and passed out 3 times Monday night so we went to the ER.  I was kept overnight and my cardiologist wanted to do a heart cath just to make sure I didn't have any blockage or anything wrong with my arteries.  Everything looked fine so now we are just going to concentrate on my SVT and coronary spasm issues.  


I have come to realize that there are a bunch of things that are not worth my energy to worry about or even acknowledge.  I worry way too much and my mind runs crazy sometimes.  God has been humbling me through this whole experience.  I would never ask for help from anyone before because I thought of myself as "strong".  I could do it all.  That is just vanity talking and pride.  "Pride goeth before a fall".  I really should memorize that verse.  Pride is a sin and now that I cannot drive anymore I have had to ask lots of people if they can drive me places.  It is so hard to let that part of me go.  I know that God has a plan for my life and I have not been listening.  


I have taped a couple of verses to my mirror in my bathroom so I will read them every time I look in the mirror.  These verses will remind me that God is in control, not me.  He is running the show and it's about time I sit back and enjoy the ride.

Last day at work

Today was my last day at work and man was I emotional.  I really love my job and all the people I work with.  I have been blessed to have a place of employment where we are like family and were able to pray with one another when times called for it.  You just don't find that very often anymore.  Religion is "taboo" in the work place and at schools.  That is a tragedy if you ask me but that is an argument for another day.

Everyone threw me a party and it was great. Cake, presents, punch, cards, and a money tree.  That was the biggest blessing because now I can put that money toward my savings to go to Dallas and see Dr. Suleman.  He is a cardiologist that specialized in dysautonomia.  I am hoping to be able to go at the end of June and see if he can help me.  I have a friend that has went to him and her quality of life is much better.  Don't get me wrong, she still has bad days and bad weeks but over all it has helped.  The worse part of this disorder is there is no cure for it and all you can do is treat the symptoms as they come.  I pray that my visit to him will help me as much as it did her.

To all my co-workers at Crye-Leike Realtors Benton:  I love you and I will miss you so much!!!  It has been my pleasure to be your Office Administrator.  Thank you for all that you have done for me.

Strength for the journey

They say that life is a journey.  Journey's always have smooth roads, rocky roads, steep and winding roads, and you will always fall along the way.  What matters most about our journey's, I believe, is how we handle the rough, rocky roads and how long we stay down when we fall.  We can choose to pick ourselves up, brush off the dirt, and bandage any wounds that we received due to that fall OR we can just lie there and give up.  Giving up is not an option to me.  I will admit that I have been known to lie there for far too long and when the devil whispered in my ear "just stay down, God will not pick you up, he is the one that has allowed this to happen to you" I really wanted to listen to him.  That is the easy way out, to listen to the evil of the world.  God never promised Christians an easy road.  In fact he tells us in James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

God put us on Earth to live for him and only him.  We are to follow his word and listen to him AND to live a life that is "Christlike".  That is so very hard to do.  We have a sinful flesh and we always want to control our own problems.  When we do that our problems just get out of hand and we end up falling FLAT on our face. 

My journey is now on a rocky road and I have fallen flat on my face.  It is time to pick myself up and let God carry me.  The verse below is what I read this morning.  It is so very true and it gives us a bright light in the midst of our horrible storm.  I also have put on of my favorite poems at the bottom, it is called "Footprints"  I actually have a big picture of this hanging on my will in my living room with a background picture of Jesus ascending into the clouds.  I hope you enjoy it and it gives you encouragement and strength.

Isaiah 40:31 NIV
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

Footprints

One night I had a dream-- I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life. This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me." The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. "When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you." ...Mary Stevenson

Fears.....

I have always been a really busy person. Always working hard and long hours and "sucking it up" and working through anything. One of my biggest fears is not being able to do things myself. I guess you could call me a "control freak". I love to work and I take pride in all that I do. I love my job and my family but most of all I love being a mother & a wife. What will happen now? Imagine for a moment that all the little things you take for granted were ripped out from under you. What would you do? Little things like standing at the stove and cooking, standing to fold the laundry, or even standing in the shower.......what if you couldn't do those things without feeling dizzy and your heart beating so fast it feels like it will bust out of your chest at any minute, and most times you pass out. That is my day to day life now. I can't even work a full day anymore. I am trying my hardest to make it until the end of May so I can train 2 people to take over for me but it is a daily struggle just to get out of bed.

Okay, enough of the self pity. Life is what you make of it. You get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other and make it count. That's what my focus is now, making it count. Even if all I can do in one day are 2 loads of laundry and a load of dishes then at least I got that finished. God has something in store for me and I believe I am to learn a valuable lesson from all of this. Day by day is all we can do.....

My Secret

Most of my friends do not know that I was diagnosed 4 years ago with a disorder called Neurocardiogenic Syncope (NCS). I also have super-ventricular tachycardia, coronary spasms, and Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS). I have lived with IBS since I was 21 but since January of this year it has really became unmanageable. I don't talk about my NCS with very many people because it is too complicated to explain and you get the looks of "What in the world is that". Even doctors will ask "can you spell that for me so I can look it up?" It is very frustrating to live with something that not a lot of people have heard of so I have chose to just keep it a secret.

Now I have to let the secret out because it has taken over my life and has made it almost impossible to live a normal life. In the past few weeks I have went from being able to function normally to passing out at least once a day and now I cannot drive for fear of endangering lives. I am also having to quit work because I can't even function at home let alone in a work environment. My independence has been pulled out from under me like a rug.

A little incite into this horrible disorder: my blood pressure goes from high to bottoming out in a matter of minutes and I end up passing out. This happens for no apparent reason or without any warning. My heart rate goes from 110 - 165 a split second and I feel like my heart is going to stop then I start having chest pains. I have added a link to this page: http://www.dinet.org so anyone can read more about this disorder.

This blog is not meant to make people feel sorry for me but to educate people on this disorder. It will also help me to deal with my own feelings about having to quit work and having my independence restricted. I am a Christian and I am trying very hard to trust God and to let him take this from me. I am also human and it is a daily struggle to do that. I have taken up reading my Bible every morning before my feet even hit the floor so that I can begin my day without any self pity and with a renewed strength that this is really happening and God knows what he is doing. He will always be there for me I only have but to ask.

My next question is, What does he have in store for me? What is it that he has planned for me? I know he has a purpose for me and it is obviously not the one I had for myself. I am going to remind myself daily and pray often for that purpose to be revealed to me and for me to keep my mouth shut and my ears open so I can hear when he calls to me.