****WARNING****** this post is not a "chin up" kind of post
Two weeks of blah.......................well that means that I have basically been so sick that I haven't been out the house. I can't even walk from my bedroom to my living room without muttering under my breath "If I pass out at least it will be on the carpet this time and not the tile floor in the kitchen". Getting up to go pee is a feat that I don't even want to tackle and I hold it until my bladder tells me "either get up and go or lay in the warm wetness cause that's what you are fixing to get". Then I just pray (as I am sitting on the toilet) that I won't pass out because I know how traumatic it would be for one of my 2 teenage boys to find me face down on the tile with my rear end shining. I have to wait until Cory comes home to take a shower cause they have nicely asked me not to do it while they are hear watching me. :-)
Cory told me the other day that people at his work keep asking him how I am feeling and that he finally told them (he got tired of them asking all the time) "she won't get any better, what she has there is no cure for" and that was a melting down point for me. I think I cried (and screamed some) for about 2 hours. Your friends and family want to help and call often to check on you but you get tired of always having to tell them the bad news of "I feel worse today than I did yesterday" so you start lying. Or I have started saying "do you want the truth or the sugar coated effect?" I am sure that everyone gets tired of hearing the sad everyday answer of "No I don't feel any better today" and "Thanks for asking but I can't go anywhere with you because I pass out just from walking down the hall so I don't think I need to go to Wal-Mart".
I just want to feel half way normal for 1 day. I hate shopping but I would LOVE to just be able to go shopping for 1 hour now. I have a new respect for all the people that I know who have a chronic illness. I used to just hug them and say "I hope you feel better soon" and pat myself on the back for a job well done but now I know just how that made the person feel. You feel like someone kicked you in the gut while you were lying on the ground down for the count.
My husband and kids are wonderful at knowing just how to deal with all of this. They never complain when I ask them to do things for me because I can't bend over anymore for fear of passing out. Cory stands in the bathroom with me while I take a "cold" shower. (hot showers make me pass out) They leave me be for the most part and when I start doing something they know will ultimately cause me to fall out they just stand there beside me and watch me so they can catch me when I do go down. They know that I feel this overwhelming need to be useful so they don't argue with me anymore they just catch me when my body says "enough". They bring me cold rags and ask if they need to sit with me while I am lying down and they even know me so well that they know when to just let me cry and they just listen and don't say a word. What is this doing to them? I pray that they are strong and can handle this also.